Living Life in Hot Flashes

a sprint to the cold floor;
an ice cube on a warm day
 

or a burn up the sides
of your face
that feeling that everyone
is watching
but you’re alone in your room
 

that slip on the linoleum
and the look look look
and the squirm
and the no-good kids
standing too close
looking too shy
 

but those hot flash days
are too many
and the cool down pool days
are sinfully few
and they just keep slipping
out of my fingers
like water threw sand
sinking back into the ocean
 

and when I walk back
from that empty place
all barefooted
and painted toes
the side walk burns
and I just try to run
but my breath won’t hold
and it’s all
choke
on
the
words
 

like that day I put that
cold metal to my too hot
temples
and my brains
melted like acid threw the floor
 

but that’s a lie
my brains
really sizzled
like a thousand pops and snaps

singing a lullaby
"Goodnight baby"
“It’s too hot to sleep tonight”
 

but the no-good kids didn’t like it
and heck neither did I
and all the time they were screaming
“too much too much”
and I didn’t know what to do
 

so I sat in that pool of sizzling acid
and tried to put all the pieces together
without using lots of tape
but maybe I shouldn’t have skimped
cause it just wouldn’t fit
 

but no one noticed anyhow
and those hot flash days seem a little
cooler now
without all that over thinking

Holding hands

Two girls walk down the street

My rooster and me

Her body screams “I fucking dare you”

But her eyes plead “Wake up”

And it’s no wonder why she hated school

Or why she can’t sit still

Because this day all the cars drive past

And shout their dirty words

Just because our hands are clasped

And I grip it tighter

And she swears under her breath

Saying something about the idiot of people

Who can’t even understand that two girls might just hold hands

And not have any underlying message in it

And at school they didn’t understand her

That weirdo, the freak

With her long matted hair

And her shredded jeans

And how she seems to just not care

So they wanted her to go to therapy

Because they thought she was depressed

Well of course she was depressed

But what do they expect

When we don’t hold hands at night anymore

Not after  we almost got gang raped

Walking back from her boyfriend’s house in April

And she shaved her head

Because her hair was made of lead

It just kept weighting her down

And she dropped out of school the next year

Cause she couldn’t stand

How asleep they all made her feel

And now we are walking down this street

And a guy is his red SUV

Rolls his window down to ask us “who’s the man?”

But isn’t it possible

That we just hold hands

To keep each other from getting lost

Because I was lost before I met her

And if she hadn’t grabbed my hand

I think I might have wondered off a bridge

Or onto a knife or a gun

And blown my brains out

All over the school’s white white walls

So we hold tight hands

As we’re crossing the street

And I say “to hell with them all”

Playground Nights

My fingers twitch in rhythm

One two three

One two three

One two three four

Like playing the air

And I can hear the music

Of all these voices

And the squeak of the swings

And we sit so still on that

Playground structure

So absent of children

In the summer nights

And we barely touch

Just our little pinkies

But we are so close

Entwined in a way

I’ve never known

Like God stitched

Our hearts together

Like you stitched together all

Those patches on your hole-less jeans

And I need you here

More then I need air to breathe

More then I need food to eat

And I want to follow you

Like that day you went

To find that alien light

Dancing gold rain above us

And we walked and walked

And finally we gave in

And laid on the little merry-go-round

In the middle of this playground

And watched the stars

Paint white daydream light

In our minds

And it was so warm

We could have slept there

But we went home instead

But for that glorious moment

You held my hand

And the stars exploded

In my stomach

And ate a pathway to my soul

The Little Voices

Words irritate and caress me

Falling from those too hot lips

They sing like hot honey tea

But they sting like an angry bee

They keep saying

That all my sidewalk chalk days

Are over

That the dreams I keep

In that blue floral patterned pocket

I stitched like a secret

Into my sweat shirt

Will never come true

That my chain smoking brother

Won’t ever quit

Not even when his lungs turn

City street black

And he falls back back back

And he will sit in my mind

As a sick old man

Dragging a respirator filled

With yellow liquid around

And he will die the week after Easter

And that will be what my children

Remember him by

Not the so absorbed piano player

That doesn’t react

When you tap tap tap

His shoulder

And it takes

Five minutes

Just to get him to answer

“How much ice do you want?”

And I cant stand to listen to

All of this truth

So I just stay cooped up inside

Hopping its all a lie

And I stay all alone

Scared to move an inch

Till I’m a wrinkle in a

Dust filled house

With too many cats

And all those Rooster collored dreams

Didn’t rise with the sun

They stayed stashed with my photographs

In the whom of this house

Filled with spiders and mice

In its un-use

And someday I’ll go to the very back

In the corner

Behind the old chest

And the china set I never used

And take out all those dreams

I’ll wash them in the sink

Till they shine almost new

And I’ll slid them down my throat

And let them sit in my stomach

And I’ll wonder why I

Ever let these voices tell me off

Future

do you remember that night

when we laid in your closet

and didn't say a word for so long

we just stared into each other's eyes

until you said so surprised

that you could see my eyes breath

 

you enchanted me

now every time i see you i get that feeling

the one that makes your stomach flip

 

do you know that before i met you

I had no idea what i wanted

maybe to go to college and become

nothing, just a brainless sheep

doing what i was told

 

do you remember that first time we really talked

i listened to you say imposable things

about running away and leaving the world we knew

behind

they came pouring from such an normal looking mouth

and then i realized you are insane

but I liked it

 

do you remember all that planing we did

all the discussions of what to bring

and where we would stay

and how eventually all the talk of running away

became so much more beautiful

and so much less ill conserved

and we started talking of the way it should be

and how everything needs air

even our eyes

 

so that we can see

 

now we are so close

we can nearly hear the wind singing

we can nearly feel those green fields

and you are reaching your hands out

and brushing the fields

and tasting the salt in the wind

 

but I'm so scared

and I don't know why

and I keep repeating the same thing

over and over

and i think now

you were never insane

but I might be

blehadklcvne

I lay on that cold floor

hard wood presses me

and i reach down to lick it

 

it tastes like earwax

that gross taste

but even that is comforting

 

anything to anchor me down

to keep me in this dimension

and give me a little sanity

 

I can still hear people talking

I want them, no, need them

to be quiet

 

My heads still pounding

and I cant think straight

all my thoughts are trickling

 

out of my head like

buzzing pancake syrup

onto the wood

 

i forgot to turn off my light

and now its screaming at me

and I cant make my body move

 

and all i want is a cool glass of water

but i cant move

so I just lay there

The Other Jeans

We have the same eyes

the same thick un-tamable hair

the same quick tempers

and unspoken words

 

We have the same skin

and laugh lines

and large hips

and milk allergies

 

and every time i see you

I wonder if I have the same

future as well

 

do I have your marriage problems

your communication problems

when I'm older will my children

be scared of me too

 

will they leave in a car crying

like we did

will I scream at my sister

till my voice in raw

 

and will I cry every night for

a different life

Teenage Angst

squirm and fight

take the garbage out

frown at all the fruit flies

and pretend they don't exist

in our shitty houses

in our shitty town

 

let follow the train tracks

to that messy little bridge

and smash it with our hammers

you can come every time you get mad

i tell you

but inside i hope not at night

cause your too pretty to get hurt

and your so manly you might try

Rooster

Rooster all your bracelets fit you right

they don't slid off of that white arm

and they layer so nice all mismatched together

all the blues and greens and reds and yellows

sparkle in the light

and the one I knit you isn't too tight

 

my wrists are nearly bear

just the scrap of fabric I use in my hair

and a few white scars that sit nearly still

and I tell you all those bracelets are wonder filled

and you say in a high voice that you know

 

and there is that one that keeps falling off

a little elastic one, thin and mostly yellow

and I say its so beautiful

and you give it to me

and I say I'll never take it off

but it falls off in my sleep

All Those Silly Americans

medicate me America

fill me with those drive threw hand outs

pump me full of all that naive freedom

till my veins fill up.

till I’m bleeding at the spot you stuck your needle

bleeding all that red white and blue

You make me feel like a young starlet

all swooped hair and painted eyes

and that fake beauty mark by my lip

all Xanax and Prozac in the hotel room

Take another

put it in your mouth

let it all fly

“I want you”

you tell us

but how?

how do you want us?

doped up?

a nice calm?

a nice nothing?

drive by all those quick stop stores

with their drive threw stands

I’d like a sandwich, a fry, and a handful of Oxy

I’d like a mind, a life, and

you to mind you own fucking business

Your New Love

I can’t decide if I like you better

in love or out

in love you smile wide

your star hair is fussed with

your eyes shine a better blue

and your eyebrows pencil heavier

you laugh more

you sing more

you talk louder

out of love your eyes are sad

you look thinner

you look estranged

you look agitated

You yell more

You throw things around

You look at me with your

grey eyes

so similar to mine

But out of love you are

mine

Out of love you are

his

in love you are

the other’s

and I still remember when

you smiled wide for him

when your hair was fussed with

for him

when your eyes shined that better blue

for him

and I still remember

when your laugh was for me

and for tickle fights

and when your songs were

for bedtime tuck-in’s

and your loud happy voice

was for us.

and now it’s for the other

and even though you look so happy

I just can’t decide

Constricted

My head blurs

till I loss my balance and tip

on the way to the bathroom

till the left one is bigger

and the right one is just a prick

and that head of mine

it dances

and it throbs

and I press at my temples

and wonder if I took

that ice cream scooper

to those spots and scoop

out my brains

if this feeling would stop

so I drink lots of water

and watch all that tv

and hope the feeling

drifts away

and I lay in my bed

and I try so hard to rest my head

and I just keep falling

and I get to that point

when I need someone to catch me

and I don’t think anyone can

and I clasp my hands tight

and I curl up inside

and pray that I’ll be ok

and then the morning light comes

and it burns all I am

and I shield my self with

those blankets

and you knock on the door

and I let you in

and I hope that you’ll

be enough

please be enough

Sextape

lay with me on that bed

the one that moves like your

floating on a million balls

like you could just float away

lay with me and float

clasp your hands with mine

let me rest against your breast

the rise and fall of it

the beat increasing and increasing

in volume and intensity

fall out of these material bodies

lets continue this with the stars

a million faces staring at us

they wont understand

they wont comprehend

wrap your arms around me

swim with me

let the water pass bye you

let the seaweed ensnare your feet

let the water fill your stomach and lungs

lay with me in that bed made of

a million Styrofoam balls

fall into that euphoric embrace

fall into that rhythmic beat

fall into that beautiful song

Floppy Ears

floppy ears,

sink onto the floor

lay and grunt and dream of flowers

bit the heads off

one by one

two by two

eat them up

Floppy ears,

so soft

don’t give me that look

all exasperation

don’t give me that look

all funny eyebrows

Floppy ears,

so disobedient

I lead you around

and you pull away

“get away I don’t need you”

But when I’m gone you cry

Floppy ears,

cuddle up next to me

keep me warm

Keep me safe

and I’ll return the favor

Actresses and Actors

Minds such a blur right now

too little sleep

too many people talking

plugged in

its stabbing at my temples

make it stop

it’s boring its hole

get away

all you people

all you things

you never should have come here

too much noise

don’t let it distract you

your talking to me

your talking insane

so insane

everyone is just running around

in my mind

getting their filthy foot prints all over

how rude

haven’t they ever heard of floor mats?

and God why wont anyone shut up?

Shut up!

I never wanted you here

I never wanted any of this

but I’m too tired

just too tired

and you scream so loud

I can’t fall asleep

Toy Soldiers

why do they talk so loudly at me?

all those toy soldiers

getting lost in the garden and Christmas tree

they talk so loudly

they lay buried in the soil

six feet deep

too deep to crawl back out

all those toy soldiers

getting lost in the garden

their heads chewed off by children and worms

they shouldn’t have been there, the garden

father said it was wrong

father said keep them close

keep them warm

But what father doesn’t know

wont kill him

It will just kill them

the little toy soldiers

lost in the garden

getting their heads chewed off

Barbie

Barbie’s painted gold

oh how pretty with their perfect hair

but that paint it chips and

Little patches of skin show threw

How ugly

Little monsters cant keep clean

so wrap all those scraps of cloth

around them and tie bows

it keeps them modest

it keeps that sin out

Barbie’s painted gold

their perfect faces frozen

in that dumb stair

but careful of the mouth

you don’t want to swallow that

gold

it will choke you

it will choke you dead

Porcelain Bertha

Bertha dear,

you look so pretty today

your pin curled hair

and that pale bow glued to your head

But Bertha,

your eyes look so distant

that electric blue isn’t doing it for you

they just look so empty

I guess your stuffing insides

aren’t enough to gain you a soul

but you hold your little teddy

like you care

and I’m sure if a spider ever crawled up your leg

you would flick it away

bertha dear,

you aren’t like my other friends

the ones with the smashed faces

or the plain ones with no spark

You could light a fire

Your pale lips give a faint smile and

God Bertha

You look so pretty today

sooo.....

I haven't posted anything for a very long time. I have however writen things, so I am posting everything I have writen in about the last year, everything I like. The newest things are farther down.

Being an Emo Child

I can’t do anything right. Everything I do just gets me yelled at. Everything I say just ends up shattered with the dishes, left broken on the dining room floor. Once loving words are now turned to venom. Every exchange just adds to the flames. The world turns to ashes around me. I use to remember the good days, the days of sunshine and smiles and flowers. Now I don’t believe there ever were flowers, they all wilted before I was born. Now I don’t believe there ever was sunshine, the sun burnt out ages ago. Now I don’t believe there ever were smiles, I can’t remember the last time I saw yours. You use to be everything I ever wanted to be. Now you’re everything I can’t stand. Looking at you is like staring into my future, I’ll probably end up looking just like you. I have your hair, I have your eyes, do I have your failure too?

The Lake

I want this cold snow on my bare feet.

I want this biting wind against my skin.

I want this frozen water surrounding me.

I walk to that waters edge,

the one we use to play by on those winter days at dad’s house.

That house always gave me the creeps

too many dead deer heads.

too many sad car rides back to mom’s.

When did all this go to hell?

When was the last time mom smiled?

When was the last time dad prayed?

It took me so long to realize I have no idea.

It seems that my brain hasn’t been working for years now.

Please don’t be mad,

I never meant any harm.

I take off my tightly tied shoes,

my brightly colored winter coat,

my nicely knighted gloves and hat.

I leave them neatly folded on the sand.

I step onto the icy lake.

The cold makes me numb down to my toes.

The sharp ice cuts into my feet but I don’t mind.

The Lake has frozen in waves,

like all time has just stopped here.

There are no sounds around me,

the quiet is frightening.

I shiver slightly at the cold and my teeth chatter.

I get to the thinnest part of the ice.

I hear the ice crack around me,

The last thing I hear,

as I float away into that breathless,

black nothingness of Lake Michigan.

You’re Labyrinth

Your words entered through my ears staying stuck eternally on my mind.

The way you said my name: like it was something special,

well it turns out you were lying through it all.

I was never anymore then a fleeting after thought in your ever growing life of lies.

Those words you say to me get lost somewhere in my comprehension.

“I love you” sounds so shallow in your hollow mouth.

White

Her hands lay white as snow

getting whiter

whiter

Her lips are that red smear

Her eyes are so glossy

I did it again

I did it again

But oh god she was so white

so white

getting whiter

getting whiter.

Rain Rain

rain rain go away

my heads too cloudy to deal with you today

all the thunders too loud, and the lightings too bright

just leave me alone and I’ll be alright

why wont the sun come back and chase away this gloom

so I can breathe again and bloom

take your hands out of my head

and your teeth out of my  bed

The tooth fairy’s not here tonight

My Check List

A splash of orange, a little yellow

the smell of gasoline and hot, sticky leather

music turned ear drum blasting loud

swishy skirts of multi-colors, and nice tank tops

sunflower seeds and raisins and crisp honey-golds

bare feet on the dashboard and knees tucked in tight

bags packed in the back, ready for somewhere new.

and you

Little Sister

Do you remember

            when fairy dust could still make you fly?

            when sticks were pirate swords and pistols?

            when a knee scraped meant certain death?

Do you remember

            when winter meant running barefoot in the snow?

            and summer meant playing in the hoes?

Do you remember

when we would hold hands and become twins?

when leaves, mud and orange berries were witches potions?

Do you remember

            hot nights in yellow rooms?

            snowball fights and red balloons?

            Grandparent’s cats held upside-down?

            and screaming fights that would get too loud?

I remember

            laying down, just you and me.

            first kisses, first bike rides, and last cookies.

I remember

            how you cried and screamed when I tried to run away.

I remember

            all those scary stories, told late at night

dancing on the trampoline

            and all our stupid fights

Life

I want

Simple

no strings attached

no promises need keeping

easy

excusable

lonely

Gasp

I feel that desperation swallow me.

It fills me with that blur,

The static consumes me.

It weighs me down till I can’t move.

I want to live again,

Cast away this wood overhead,

Once again walk with the living.

All my wind comes rushing in.

I jolt with the unexpectedness of it,

My throat tightens as I gasp for air

All those tears I’ve captured are let go.

I hurt all over,

Sobbing

Sobbing

But at least I can breathe.

My hands shake.

I curl up into myself,

I’m held there until I drift,

Off to the stars.

Communion

when I was young

the circle was so big,

so inviting,

so warm.

the people all smiled,

and sang

and believed.

the bread was sweet.

the wine was rich and unknown.

I held my mother’s hand

and prayed in belief.

now

the circle is empty

and clinical.

the people frown,

mouths shut,

and they falter.

I take the bread

and dip it in the wine,

its tasteless on my tongue.

and I pray to believe.

Just remember to Breathe

Those hands close around my throat

I can’t breathe

Oh god I can’t breathe

Those hands wrap around my mouth till I can’t speak

I cant speak

Those hands rip my stomach

I feel so sick

oh so sick

 I curl up in my self

I can’t think

I don’t want to think

I need someone to save me

but I don’t think I can be saved

I’m so dirty

I’m so dirty

so dirty

I want to rip those hands off of me

I want to so badly

But those hands hold my wrists down

till they shake

I can’t stop the shakes

Those hands close around my throat

I can’t breathe

why can’t I breathe?

Too Little Fun

Sunshine sunshine

why do I hide?

I want to see you

You make me explode inside

Why do I sit away from you

Why do I stall and say will do

I never go to see you anymore

I feel cramped and muted and dead

I’m so Asleep inside

and I don’t know why

I thought this would end

when Summer came

But it just got worse

I need inspiration

I need devine intervention

I need to get up and move

I need

I need

I need

A life…

How you Make Me

Suffocate me

Tie me to that bed

Light me on fire and call it a day

You’re a child

You know nothing

You know nothing

Why didn’t you carve out my heart

Like you carved the silhouettes of your hands on me?

Why don’t you do that now?

You’ve crippled me

why don’t you finish it?

I was just a child

I knew nothing

I knew nothing

Pin me to that wall

Like that little purple butterfly

pin me to that wall

leave me there to look at

Your sick

You are nothing

You are nothing

I cant stand those eyes on me

Get them off

Get them off

I hate you

I hate you

Don’t make me look at you

I’m sick

I’m nothing

I’m nothing

You’re a child

You know nothing

You know nothing

Mind the Gap

I have this feeling in my chest

Its what drives me

Its what freezes me

Its what will kill me

It is this pit

This absolute nothing.

Its that spot of emptiness

But if it is this empty why is it so heavy?

Why does it feel so full that it will burst?

It is that spot that hurts when I listen to something beautiful

It is that spot that burns with passion

It is that spot that makes me silent

Is this my soul?

Its my driving force, my pain, my joy, my loneliness, and my completeness

I want to rip it out

Take that big kitchen knife on the counter and dig it down my chest

Right down from that spot above my collar bone

Too the right below my ribs

Then i could dig around inside and find that spot, that pit

I could rip it out

I could burn it on the driveway like some twisted pagan ritual

Dance and dance and fall and.. and...

Be no more

Just a shell with glassy eyes looking up at the sky

or looking at the pavement

Or looking nowhere

Because I am nowhere

I am nothing

I am just that shell with a soul no more, ripped out till nothing remains...

"But you, you’ve gone too far this time" -Mumford & sons

Nameless

Here I lay

Too cold

Too warm

A clash of thoughts

The blur of nothing

My heads a pond

I just swim around

Too cold

Too warm

I just swim around

Those Stupid Aunt Farms

jumble jumble all these thoughts in my head

So cool in the shade

too hot in the sun

You look so pretty

You are so ugly

stop

no more aunt farms burying around

they took too much

they lost it all in that mad desperation for

a place to call there own.

Stay still

chill out

It will all work out

easy for you to say you dont have to live in here

all you happy love songs you dont know shit

there are no happy endings

Not here

not here

Not here

Not there either

you can make your tea and sing your little songs

like "God bless American"

and that one where all those miners die

but i wont hear you anymore

the music

stops

too short

Nonsense nonsense this is all nonsense

A trick of my mind

used on myself

in a vain attempt

to loss it all

or maybe win it

Stay still

chill out

It will all work out

Its all so jumbled

Red rover

The shiny metal in my hand

pressing temple

one two three

All gone

those feelings of inadequacy

I soar above the aunts of the earth

my body floats in between the stars

I make them my friends

We play red rover up on the horizon

I always seem to lose

Take me away to that spot in your chest

hold me so close, too close.

You burn

the dead are falling from the sky

Don’t fall with me

The stars they scream too loud for me

they would be too loud for you too

hold my cold hand

touch it to your cheek

Is it warmer now?

put it in the stove

Is it warmer now?

Take me away to that spot in your chest

Hold me

now let me go

"but no" you say

"Let me stay"

don’t stay

leave

your too hot for me

stop thawing

thawing

thawing me out.

i'm too warm now

i'm too warm now

i'm too warm now

i'm too...

follow me up to the stars and we can play red rover

red rover red rover send me over

and we can scream that they are too loud.

Blanket

That blanket so warm wrapped around me

Keeps me warm oh so warm.

Knit by old warn hands

From old scraps of yarn

It shimmers in the light like the stars.

A rainbow of every color.

A collage of every texture.

It reminds me of that old farm house.

Always so warm.

Always so bright.

The sun shines in magnificent ways off

The red barn, the white snow, the bright faces.

The smell of pumpkin pie and pine trees is

Soaked in the blanket.

It helps when this gray of my life

Over takes me and tells me it’s not alright.

I wrap up in this warm and color

Dreaming of a place much better.

colors

colors of red, black, brown, and orange swirl around me. I feel this puke in my tummy rise...

Bile

I feel this sick sensation in my stomach. The bile rises to my chest. Is this my unjustifiable excitement or just a stomach over full of peppermint tea?