Gray skys in MI

Please... This gray in sufficating. this gray weather is too much for me. I need the warmth of the sun again. I need the birds shining and the sky bright blue. This gray clouds my mind and eats away at my sanity. i need an out. I need an excape.

Dear Monster in my Head

Dear Monster,

Please leave me alone. You’ve over stayed our welcome. You’ve pounded all those holes in my head. You’ve smashed all my things on the hard wood floor. You’ve left me empty and scared.

You’re like a tornado in my mind. You never let me alone. You grab at my sanity and rip it apart. You keep me locked in this room, unable to move.

I always keep my light on so you can’t get at me. I always try so hard, but still, you find me. You drag your claws against my temples. You rip apart my chest and invite yourself in. You are my cancer, my one true problem, my one true insanity…

So please leave. Pick up your bags. Take that plant you love so much. Stay at a friends I don’t really care. I need you out. I need you gone forever. You’ve been here way to long. You inhabit my every thought, action, word. Please be gone, please don’t return, please forget you ever knew me, please let me forget I ever knew you.

Sincerely,       

Me      

Leave

Do you ever just want to leave everything? Just pack your bags and get on a bus? Do you ever want to sleep on the street? Have no money? Have no one to count on? Have no one counting on you? I want this every day. I’m 17 years old…One year till I can leave with out worry. One year until I can be free.

Into my ear

Have you ever listened to the band Radiohead?

I have been listening to them all day. Their music is so intense, like a call to war. When I listen to them it makes me want to act, DO something, BE something. It makes me want to scream at the top of my lungs that we are all sleeping, that we all need to awake from our dreams of perfection. We live in a broken world. Why pretend any differently? I know I’m broken. I know you’re broken. We are all broken.

            I was sitting in chapel today (I go to a Christian school) being preached at about how I should believe in God. This man was shouting at us about not letting our peer’s pressure us into turning away from God and all I could think about was how he in the same way was pressuring us into believing in him. At the end of his speech he told every one who believed in God to stand up. I was one of the few to stay seated. I wonder. How many of those kids really meant it? How many kids just wanted to fit in? How many kids in this so-called Christian school are just walking through the movements of their lives?

I use to be one of them. I use to sing in church and chapel. I use to close my eyes and pray. I use to pretend like the best of them. I finally realized that I was just asleep. I had to wake up. Fuck all the people telling you what you need to be. Fuck all the people telling you who you are. FUCK all the people who are trying to hold you back.

I want to SCREAM this from ever molecule in my body!

…I am getting so broken-up over this…Damn this music is so intense…it creeps into my ear and takes over my brain…this call to awake is so strong I might explode.

Falling

I seem to be slowly falling farther and farther down. My world becomes nothing as I fall. It's like being sucked in by a black hole. Someday the world will go pitch black and I will reach the bottom. When this happens my body will crack from the force on hitting cold cement. It's not a matter of IF this will happen anymore, it's a matter of WHEN.